So I was asked over lunch a few days ago about what I would regret the most if I dropped dead. Not what I would do if I was given a week to live but if I was looking back over my life as it is at this exact moment. And I’ve been thinking over it. What would I regret?
I wish the answer could be nothing but that’s never the case. If someone tells you they have no regrets they are probably (a) lying or (b) extremely uncomplicated. I imagine that living without regrets is not living at all. You would be constantly tiptoeing within careful drawn boundaries, trying so hard to not mess up that you cannot try anything at all, doomed to tread to the same safe path in the same repetitive circles. I say this because I feel like I’ve been on that path. Too afraid of failure to do anything more complicated than breathe. And maybe I’m still on that path. My life always feels so safe to me. Maybe it is because my life is my own (and don’t we all bore ourselves?) or maybe it is because I’m a quiet, anxious person who longs for a larger-than-life intensity that I can’t have.
But I’ve decided that I would regret the things I haven’t done more than those I have. It’s not that I don’t regret my mistakes. I just want to do more than I want to undo. If I died right now, I would regret not experiencing the following:
1. Love
I feel that every relationship I’ve ever been in, romantic or platonic, has been uneven. It’s painful to care for someone more than you know they care for you. And it may be even worse to hold onto the selfish knowledge that you matter more to the other person than they matter to you. I want to be in a relationship where I can love someone with every last part of me and have it be returned with that same intensity.
2. Lust
My apologies for the prudes out there. But it would be a shame to die without good sex.
3. Honesty
I have never been completely honest with myself and with others. I want to reach a point before I die that I can turn myself inside out and show the world how and why I tick. I want to be completely vulnerable. Even thinking about it frightens me more than I can say, but I want it too.
4. Travel
Cliche, completely, but I have left this country twice in my life. I need to see the world more before I leave it. How can I trust my own views on life if I have only seen my own backyard?
5. Brilliance
Brilliance is my everything. I will not die without it.
So that’s my five and for the moment, I stand by them. But as for tomorrow, who knows what I will believe?
In other news, music.
http://libba-bray.livejournal.com/47657.html
2 comments
Comments feed for this article
May 14, 2009 at 12:37 am
prettyinpuce
I agree with you on the love/lust thing. (of that has me thinking of Stephanie saying: “I’d be so mad that I died without having sex with anyone”).
Also, surprisingly, with travel. I want to go to Asia. So. Freaking. Badly. If I died without going, I would probably just die again when my head exploded from anger.
Honesty, I could live without. Strange as it sounds, I know I’m not ready right now to know what other people (and myself) think about myself. I’d need to do a lot more growing up to deal with absolute honesty. Baby steps.
Brilliance would be nice, but I’m happy being happy and if that means no brilliance and an average life, I think I could deal (but I’m far too awesome for that to be true).
Overall, a good list.
Also, unrelated: would you be interested in starting a internet debate with me? Either via wordpress or youtube or something, but I really want to do it for some reason. It’s just an idea that I was thinking about when I was distracted by laughing idiots during the test today.
May 26, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Well, as long as I do it before I die, I should be OK « Pretty In Puce
[...] Well, as long as I do it before I die, I should be OK I’m stealing this from a post Katie did a while ago about a girl who asked us what we’d regret if we died tomorrow. Our lists kind of overlap, so deal with me while I reference her post (or you could check it out yourself): [...]